Pain and Connection

The 'mysterical' Oregon Coast

Summertime. The season that lifts my energy high, with seemingly endless sunlight, garden abundance, camping adventures, un-refuseable social gatherings; in my experience, I feel full and expansive in summer.

This summer has been a different one then what I've grown to expect in summers past (there's a lesson in releasing expectations in it for sure.) My summer months have been blanketed with the veil of familial pain. Real life shit. You have some of that in your own world too? We all do, and sometimes in that knowledge, I feel a small bit of comfort. In knowing that pain and suffering is part of the human experience. And while we all have our ways of processing, healing, or not healing that pain and suffering, I'm trying to discover the best way to do that, the way that makes most sense in my experience of this universe. I'm trying to feel all the pain, concern, worry, the anger, guilt, shame, and I'm really trying to not judge myself or my family. Trying. And so through that muddled path that life has past me, I'm swimming. Head above the life blood, I'm treading, slowly moving somewhere.

I've felt some real gratitude these past weeks. For the closeness of my immediate family, despite current and past challenges. The willingness of those blood relatives to bond together even though it seems that it would be wildly easier to ignore, leave, depart from all the challenges. I'm grateful that I have a community of people in Victoria whom I can speak openly to about mental health, whom make me feel normal in my experience and who leave judgement out of their story line. Remembering Kayla ten years ago, I wasn't in that type of community. And if I'm wrong and I was in that type of safe community, perhaps I was just a younger version of myself, unaware of common human experience, told a story by society that certain things are to remain private, that only I experience such things, and no one else would understand...

I'm glad that I have a community and a partner and a self awareness that allows me to be comforted in sharing the crappy parts of life, without fear that the sad or overwhelmed piece of myself will not be accepted, and that my most frequent disposition of joy, is paired with other states of being. And that's okay.
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Connection-a word I included in the title of this blog because I've felt connected in so many ways over these past months and especially over these past couple weeks. This connection has been varied: connection with my partner, connection with my garden, a symbol of the intricacies of life, connection to my siblings, connection to the Victoria dance community, connection to humans, to those struggling with transitions and mental health, connection to the divine source that glows or wants to glow, in each living being.

There are few experiences in life that are more special then connecting deeply with a romantic life partner. I feel so excited, so grateful that I have one of those connections continuing to blossom in my world. 

I've just experienced a very long extended date with my sweetie James. This, dear readers, is a type of connection I don't recall ever writing about in the history of Aurora Renews! I have had some very unique, intimate, and special connections with others in past, and I cherish those with such respect and honour. And now, I'm walking down a path of partnership with a dear man named James. And there is no better way to experiment with the potential strength of a relationship such as this then to go on a two week pedal powered adventure - where physical, mental and relational challenges abound!

Yep! Poppy has a new touring buddie!

Inspired by an interest to pedal to a yoga and music festival in the forest of Oregon, and experience an unusually full solar eclipse, we decided to bus, bike, ferry and train our bodies and gear to Cannon Beach, Oregon. Before even reaching Portland, our launch place, the first challenge arose. It arose in the form of a massive mangled framing square. Imagine: a piece of unique blue solid metal 'art', half a centimeter thick, placed so perfectly in my path on the side of a highway in Washington, as my cycling pal and I were pedaling our butts off, breakfast-less, in the wee hours of the misty morning. Without falling from my bike, I was ground to a halt as that blue 'art' work, incredibly mangled by bigger vehicles running it over, lodged itself into Poppy's derailleur and spokes. With an all to wobbly wheel, and a seriously bent derailleur, I managed to peddle to the train station, in Mount Vernon, Washington, concern growing like a mountain, that this had ruined all of our plans.

Luckily, I had James along with his problem solving practicality in tow, and his gluten free doughnut muffin procuring prowess. Fewf! Not all was lost! Sugar in my veins! Calls made to Portland bike shops...and Voila, Sunday night, we found the nice folks at Seven Corners Bicycle Shop, and Corey fixed Poppy all up real good. 

The journey was meant to continue. An early road block, feeling like an ending in my (over reactive) brain, was just a wee test for a couple attempting to journey together on a trip of adventure yes, and also, of connection. 

The connecting went on. We pedaled our way along the mysterical (made that word up accidentally and love it, mysterious and magical all rolled into one) Oregon Coast, with it's phenomenally wide and sandy beaches (were talking vertigo inducing, confusing sand dunes with numbered signs to prevent folks from losing themselves...like letters in those big airport parking lots). We camped at state parks, wandered on endless beaches, laughed over camp stove dinners...

Next, it was time to head inland to the Beloved Festival. The best way to describe this festival is beauty. Loving touches of poetry, art and nature spread through the forest in which the festival was set. Reusable bamboo dishes, composting toilets, nature mandalas and mossy nature relaxation nooks with gorgeous altars of intricate nature artwork. There was a magic fairy pond, lit up creatively at night, a roster of beautiful world music, all night Kirtan, and conscious electronic music to dance to. The yoga pavilion in the forest captivated much of my attention as I ecstatic danced, practiced yoga alongside famous teachers and singers, and bathed in healing sound.

Soon it came time to ride on, and pedal on we did...down the steep hill we had struggled up, stopping to top containers up with blackberries on our descent. We cruised into Corvallis, staying with a lovely bicycle passionate couple, and being entirely amazed by the extent of the Corvallis Food Co-op. In fact, I've been impressed by Portland's Food Co-op, Newport's Food Co-op too. Picture this: extensive bulk selection, that makes a sustainability nut like me, stoked. Fill your own re-usable containers with everything from kimchi to frozen peas, apple cider vinegar to fresh ground flour, capers to mayonnaise, bocconcini to tofu. All in bulk! It was a dreamy place - a full service grocery store, with reasonable prices, focus on local products and conscious thought around which products they carry. They make it easy to choose package free foods, had a hot food bar, as well as cold salad bar, and it was all cooperatively owned by community members in the town. It left me curious - why does Victoria, BC, not have a food co-op like this?! Surprised and disappointed, I'm how I could help make this happen, and what's happened before, in Victoria. 

After a few more campy nights in the warm Willamette Valley, cycling through mono-culture big agriculture, cooking ourselves good food, drinking good drinks, having great laughs, watching the ups and downs of the blood sugar coursing through our veins, sometimes in uneven proportion (!) we arrived in Portland. Feeling ever more connected to this person, with whom I'd never gone on a long bicycle trip, I was pleased. Happy, that even after some hard days of riding, some ups and downs of decision making and energy, little conflicts arising, and being dealt with...our connection was growing, getting stronger, solidifying. 

And Oh Portland! How you never disappoint. I hadn't been to Portland since 2011, which you can read about here. I keep sharing with folks that ask about how we had "such a Portland time in Portland". Here are some summary words to get you visualizing what I mean: Taco food trucks, amazing bicycle infrastructure bonanza, collective house living, yoga, Cascadia gluten free bakery (delicious is the understatement of the year), picnics in the park with cello and sitar in the air, co-op bath house visits for sauna and hot tub time, farmers markets, soap box derby, local cider tastings, live music, City Repair projects, meeting James' long time friends, streets closed for day long active bike-y park enjoying festivals. The list could go on. We had a super fun, jam packed, activity filled weekend in Portland. And it was all topped off by a solar eclipse that had been talked about for months by Oregonians...and was truly a special experience. In Portland, the sun was 99.6% covered by our moon. We saw the sky go dark, the strange shadows cast on the garden, the moon seeming to eat up the sun like it was a cookie treat, through our fancy glasses. 

To celebrate the eclipse, James and I cooked up a big pancake breakfast for three of our lovely host friends. We ate pancakes topped with local peaches and maple syrup on the porch with eclipse glasses on as the sunlight faded. In the strangest way, we observed the crows begin to think it was their evening roosting time, the foliage cast crescent moon shadows on our skin. And at the time of 99.6% coverage, we observed indescribable dancing shadows that appeared on the road, as we stood sidewalk side excitedly experiencing the dimming light.

As eclipses can be a time of manifestation, our breakfast crew took a good pause to speak aloud intentions that we had. Things we wanted to see play out in our lives, in this world. I spoke aloud my desire for harmony and peace. Among the hearts of my family, among the souls that are oppressed in the US and everywhere. Harmony and Peace. I pray for that, I hope for that, I want to manifest that. At eclipse time and every time...Harmony and Peace. 

Summer flows on. This rich warm time of year continues. I'm grateful for my community in Victoria, for the continuing growth of my partnership. I'm so grateful for visits from friends from Ontario, and continuing connections with folks who feel like home in a province that no longer does. I'm grateful for the beautiful food I get to cook each day. I'm grateful for my body that is able to carry me so far on bicycle. Grateful for my ability to cross borders and move freely in this world without discrimination. I'm grateful that my family bond still exists. I am grateful to be alive. 

Lovely food at the beautiful Beloved

Eclipse gazers at breakfast!

Blueberry mint gluten free pie at Cascadia in Portland

Bicycle buddies unite!